How Do You Handle Grief?

By Junpei Y.

Vernon

When I was five, my great grandmother died. My reaction was denial so intense that while I remember visiting her in the hospital, I do not remember anything about her funeral. My grief looked like this for the first half of my life and continued through the years. Denial, denial, denial. 

Our Aspire House community has lost more than one member this past winter.  One member in particular was someone special to me. Devastated, my immediate reaction was not unlike five-year-old Junpei. Crying, screaming, and a lot of denial. 

Sounds like I didn’t grow up much, right?

Except, I did. Yes, the news ripped a hole in my heart and I had my evening of denial. But I have spent the last few weeks since the news meeting my grief head on. I have accepted and even welcomed grief as a part of my healing. Grief hasn’t gotten easier, but it has gotten healthier.

I arrived at this place of healthier grieving through stories. Novels and memoirs, television shows and movies, video games and music. All of these taught me about ways to handle grief. Narratives that bring tears to my eyes even when I am not actively grieving a recently deceased loved one led me on a path of acceptance and constructive grief.

In the videogame Spiritfarer, you play as Stella. Your job is to care for spirits as you ferry them to their final destination. You do this for all sorts of people. You listen to their stories, and you will not like every single spirit. But without judgment, you feed them their favorite foods, you help them with their final wishes, and after a final hug you say goodbye.

Playing this game feels a lot like when I had my tooth pulled. Leading up to the extraction, I was in pain. During the extraction, pain. During recovery? Yep. Pain. Today there is a gap between my teeth, but the pain is gone. Similarly, today, there is a gap, an emptiness because our friend is gone. 

Painful as it is, I have spent the last several weeks engaging and continuing to engage with my sadness through this and other stories, and also through community. Aspire House is full of kind, accepting, welcoming energy that has held me through these hard days. Other resources also exist; several are included in this list of Member Recommended Resources!

So, celebrate your loved ones’ lives. Carry their stories with you in your heart. Be in community with others. And, above all else, feel your feelings. Because it isn’t denial that helps me move forward, it’s acceptance.